


I Want Him Back

by historynerd1783



Category: Hamilton - Fandom, Hamilton - Miranda, Lams - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Modern Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-04-23 12:16:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19150864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/historynerd1783/pseuds/historynerd1783
Summary: I write a story with a writing partner in which John and Alex attended Columbia together, though John has graduated. John took Alex home to Charleston for Christmas where, at a holiday party that Henry throws every year, Francis Kinloch made a play for John in front of Alex. John handled it poorly, defending Francis which led to a huge fight culminating in their breakup.I wanted to write the three months that they were apart for my own benefit so this is the first part of that.





	1. Chapter 1

John watched the faded white lines of the runway speed past as the wheels touched down and exhaled slowly, relieved. Home. Technically his home was New York, where he still lived in the loft apartment he shared with his former boyfriend, Alex. John had been barely able to get out of bed since then but he woke up the day previous in need of a change of scenery so he’d booked a ticket to Charleston so he could lick his wounds in the place his soul called home, South Carolina. 

He retrieved his luggage and took a cab to the Laurens compound, situated on a large piece of land that looked like a post card of South Carolina. He didn’t feel like getting out to punch in the code to the gate and getting back in, so he paid the driver and let himself in, walking up the long driveway with his luggage in tow. It was mid-January and certainly cold, though not by New York standards. As he entered the courtyard which boasted a large water fountain and a circular driveway, John heard the muffled barks of the family dogs and his lip curled up into a smile. The door swung open and he stopped, face to face with his sister, Martha. She smiled sympathetically before peering around his shoulder. “Tell me you didn’t walk here from the gate.”

He shrugged and lifted his suitcase onto the portico where Christmas decorations still draped every railing and stair. “Why not?” She stepped back to swing the door open and gestured for him to step past her. The muffled barking he’d heard became louder and sharper until he was surrounded by dogs from the stairs and the corridor that led to the kitchen. He smiled broadly and crouched low to greet them all. He had a lapful of pug and an armful of Bernese Mountain Dog when he heard the squeal from the top of the stairs from his youngest sister, Mary Eleanor. “Jacky!!!!” He set Sadie the pug down and stood up, craning his neck to see her through the bannister poles. “Hey sweet face! You gonna come down and see me or do I have to come to you?” She bounced down the steps, picking up speed as she reached the landing so every dog moved out of her way as she bounded into the waiting arms of her big brother. He swept her up in his arms and shook her from side to side as he had since she was a toddler. “I missed you,” she told him with her hands on either side of his face. “Did you and Alex say you’re sorry?” John cleared his throat and kissed her cheek giving him a moment to compose himself. “Uh..no sweetie, we didn’t.” Her face fell briefly before she wrapped her arms around his neck and gave him one of her bear hugs. “It’ll be ok Jack. You still have us right?” John buried his nose in her hair and kissed her head. “I do. Can’t lose you right?” She didn’t reply, already too wise for her 7 years and he set her down on her feet so he could hang up his coat. 

“I assume you’re staying in the guest house?”, Martha asked lifting his suitcase handle presumably to help him move his things. “No. My room actually. I’ll take everything up, don’t worry about it.” Mary was holding John’s hand swinging their arms together, her eyes moving from Martha’s to John’s taking in their conversation. Martha quirked an eyebrow at John, an unspoken question. She knew he always preferred the privacy of staying at the guest house when he visited, but the last time he had, Alex had been with him and it was in the guest house that it all began to unravel culminating in their demise the following day. “I can’t,” he told her shaking his head, lips turned sharply into a frown. She nodded and turned to Mary, a cheerful smile now on her face. “Let’s let Jack settle in ok? How about you paint him a picture for his room while he’s here?” Mary smiled, her fingers playing with her lips as John did when he was concentrating and she returned to her room after another bear hug. “Thanks.”, John told Martha when Mary was out of earshot. “I don’t want to bring everyone down while I’m here but honestly, I need to be alone.” She stepped forward to collect her own hug from John now, her arms around his waist and her cheek against his shoulder. “I know. Whatever you need, ok?” She took a half step back to get a good look at him and touched the dark spot under his eye that wouldn’t be there if he were sleeping. She stifled a gasp at the drastic change to his appearance since she’d seen him two short weeks ago and pressed her lips together. He read the concern in her features and sighed. “I’m fine.” She snorted and stepped back, crossing her arms in front of her. “Bullshit. You wouldn’t be here if you were but I won’t press you for now.” John leaned forward and kissed her cheek, thankful for a sister who could read him well enough to know when to push and when to not. “I’m going to lay down until dad gets home.” She nodded and walked down the hall to the kitchen with the dogs following loyally in her wake. 

 

Upstairs, John closed and locked his door and looked around. In New York, Alex was everywhere he looked and it was no better here. The crumpled poster of Matt Bomer was still in his trash can against the wall where Alex had tossed it after learning John had had a crush on the blue eyed actor. John laughed and folded his arms in front of himself. He’d definitely played that one to his advantage. He sighed and sat on the edge of his bed, leaning his forearms on his knees and dropped his head. There was nowhere he could go where there wasn’t a void left by Alex. He’d touched every part of his life. John bit his lip hard, preferring the sting on his lip to the burn of more tears. After a long moment he lifted his head and looked out his window. He loved this room. His window was floor to ceiling and spanned one half of the North wall extending to half the West so he had a large corner of expansive light in his room. He had specifically asked for it when they renovated the house so he had more natural light in his room for painting. It looked out onto a lightly wooded portion of the property with the Laurens cemetery barely in view. Now it was desolate. The trees were bare, the grass dead and dusted with snow. Good, he thought. He couldn’t bear the sun and cheerful blooms of summer right now. He stared outside a long while, mentally sketching the thin, fragile branches of some of the more recently planted trees until he impulsively whipped out his phone and typed out a text message to Alex. He’d done this a hundred times since that night, but had sent none. Most he ended up sending to himself simply to have the words out but he always drafted them to Alex first. He opened his phone and ran his thumb across his lock screen, a pouty faced Alex in a Christmas sweater at a party. His phone opened up and he clicked on his last conversation with Alex from New Years. [hey…just wanted to see how you are. i miss you.] His thumb hovered over the blue arrow trying to muster the courage to send it. Maybe Alex missed him too. Maybe he regretted everything that had happened and wished he could take it all back and start over like John did. It was that hope that quickened John’s breath and made his thumb twitch over the screen. Only…what if Alex had moved on? John hadn’t been kind when they’d last seen each other. Telling Alex to leave his apartment key was cruel and John knew it. He should have taken it back then, when he saw the pain he had caused. Instead, his stubborn nature won out over his love for Alex and he’d coldly told him that if he was leaving, he wasn’t coming back. John deleted the text in a rush, worried he’d accidentally hit the send button. It was too late now, he should have said something then, or even the next day. As it was though they hadn’t spoken a word to each other and now it seemed far too late to try.

John joined the family downstairs for dinner when his father, Henry came home and greeted his younger brother Harry with a fist bump proffered by Harry himself. “Too proud to hug your brother now?” John teased, clapping his back as he passed his chair to sit to the right of Henry. He winked across the table at Mary and scooped a small portion of salad onto his plate with Henry’s eyes boring into him. John turned to look at him while their cook brought out the rest of the dishes. “Dad…good to see you.” Henry took a sip of his wine and set his glass back down before patting John’s shoulder. “I’m glad to have you home John, but I can’t say I’m happy about what brought you here.” John snorted and immediately regretted it, staring at a radish on his plate. “Aren’t you?” He took a deep breath and sat up straight, locking eyes with the patriarch of the Laurens family. “Jack…I’m sorry to see you going through this but has it occurred to you it may be for the best? Better now than later when your lives are further intertwined? At least now it’s relatively uncomplicated.” John’s head bobbed up and down like a nod with a measure of sass to it as he tended to do when he was trying to moderate his tone of voice. It never worked. “You didn’t say it when we were together because you’re too diplomatic but say it now. Say what you wanted to say all along.” John glared at Henry, heat rising up his chest to his neck while he waited to see if his father would be honest with him or retreat. Henry sighed and caught a look of caution from Martha that John didn’t see. “John…,” he said softly, “…you couldn’t be more different, did you truly think it would last?” John huffed out a breath and leaned against the back of his chair. “Different how?” Henry glanced at Martha again as though he were taking his cues from her. “Well, financially for one. When I did my….research…” “You mean when you ran a background check on him and insulted him, and me, go on.” Henry pulled the vest of his suit down and folded his hands in front of his plate. “It wasn’t my intent to insult anyone, it was my intent to protect my son.” “You mean your money.” John said flatly. “Yes! I wanted to protect what I worked my whole life to provide you with and what your mother left you, what she wanted you to have.” Maria, their cook came around and placed a large slice of jalapeño cornbread on John’s plate and bent to kiss his cheek. He thanked her, knowing she’d made it for him and waited until she left the room to respond to Henry while Martha helped Mary put food on her plate. “MY money was never in jeopardy. All you had to do was ask me about him, get to know him on your own, and maybe, just maybe, think a little more of your son.” Henry sighed, clearly done with the conversation for now and started plating his own food. John waited until everyone else was done before he put a single slice of chicken on his plate and picked at his salad. They ate dinner in casual conversation and John excused himself as soon as it was polite to, thanking Maria for the meal. “Jack,” Henry said standing before John left the room. “Can we talk later?” John nodded. “Don’t we always when I visit?” and went back to his room where he curled up under the blankets and fell asleep. 

He woke up at 8 when Mary knocked on his door to say goodnight, bouncing onto his bed in her Elsa nightgown. He put on a smile and cuddled her for a few minutes before Martha called her back to her room to go to sleep. “Go. I’ll be here tomorrow and we’ll do something fun, ok?” She kissed his cheek and left, closing the door behind her. John sat up and pulled out his laptop which he placed in his lap, with his back against his wall. He put in headphones and listened to the most depressing playlist he’d ever made, ‘Alex Left Me’.

 

John was only on his fourth song, “Colorblind”, by Counting Crows, when Martha kicked open his door and entered unannounced with a tray, heavy with items. She closed it behind her with her foot and put the tray on the floor in front of John’s fireplace which she turned on. “Fucks sake Jack, it’s colder than Arandelle in here.” John chuckled once and closed his laptop, pulling out his earbuds. “You and Mary need to watch something else, seriously.” She shrugged and sat on the floor cross legged, patting the plush area rug she sat on. “I don’t mind, I like Elsa, she’s cool, now sit down or I’ll drag you by your ankle.” John spied peach cobbler on the tray, his favorite, and sat next to her surveying the rest of the tray. Tequila, shot glasses and two bowls of steaming hot cobbler with vanilla ice cream. Once John was seated to her right, Martha handed him a bowl and spoon. “Here, I made it myself when I saw you didn’t eat dinner.” John loaded his spoon and shoved it in his mouth, suddenly ravenous. He hummed appreciatively and swallowed. “Moms recipe?” She gave him an ‘obviously’ look and took her own bowl. “You look like shit John.” John glared at her, then loaded his spoon again. “You’re obviously not sleeping or eating. It’s been what, two weeks? I saw you on the 31st and you’ve lost a lot of weight since then so I’m not going to pussyfoot about it. What happened? You seemed happy here together at Christmas.”

John put his bowl back on the tray, only a few spoonfuls gone and wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his hoodie. “We had a fight here before we left. He said things, I said things, he did things, I did things, it’s over.” Martha rubbed his shoulder a moment and pointed at the bowl. “Eat or I’ll send Maria up.” She knew he wouldn’t be able to say no to Maria so he picked up his cobbler. “ Thank you, now give me details. Was this about Francis? There was obviously some drama about him at the party.” 

“I’d rather not talk about it Martha,” he said firmly.

She nodded and stirred the melting ice cream with her spoon. “I’ve never seen you like that with anyone before. Like this about anyone. I knew about Francis, but that wasn’t serious, was it,” she said rhetorically. John shook his head and stared at his bowl.

“Have you talked to Alex? Who ended it?” 

“No and….both of us I guess.” He took a deep breath resigned to talking about it now and opened the tequila pouring one shot that he downed immediately. “He took an earlier flight and when I got home he had packed everything, and I mean everything, of his and he had a friend on the way to pick him up. He said he was just going for a few days but who packs their summer shit for a few days? He was leaving me, he wasn’t even going to wait for me to come home.”

“Rude!” she exclaimed and poured her own shot. “You’re underage!” John protested, his hand covering the shot glass. Martha rolled her eyes and slapped his hand away drinking it before he could stop her. “You think I don’t know about the parties you had at the beach house or on the boat when you were younger than I am now?” Smiling at the memories, John let it go and poured himself a second. Martha leaned back on her palms and crossed her feet in front of her. “Maybe he meant it. I mean if he was that upset maybe he just wasn’t thinking when he was tossing things into a bag, you know? How did you react?” 

John looked straight ahead at the fireplace, not meeting her eye. “I told him to leave his key.” 

Martha flicked the top of John’s arm hard. “That was a shit thing to do John. Maybe if you’d let him take a few days…”

“Don’t!” John snapped. “I’ve replayed it a thousand times already. I know where I went wrong but I can’t undo it. What’s done is done. And OW!”

Martha grinned, pleased with herself. “Fuck what dad thinks, I think you two were great together. I’ve never seen you like that happy Jack, you changed. You only knew him a few months really but there was something different about you. Dad goes on about how you don’t have any direction and you won’t invest the money and all that, but what I saw was that you did have direction and it was wherever you went together. You were invested in him. You seemed like partners in all things.”

“We were. It wasn’t perfect, but it was good. Dad thinks that money makes us better than other people because it gives us opportunities others don’t have, but Alex is ten times the man dad was at his age. That probably intimidates the hell out of him.”

“Probably,” she agreed. “So what now? You have to take care of yourself, I’m worried you’ll end up like when…”

“Don’t….say it. Too far,” he cautioned. Her lips turned red the way they did when she was trying not to cry and she whispered, “I’m sorry.” John kissed her cheek and poured two shots. They clinked glasses and exchanged a solemn look before drinking.

“I’ll figure it out, that’s why I’m here. New York is a big place but I couldn’t escape him there and I didn’t trust myself not to beg him to come back.”

Martha snorted, “You beg?” John blushed and looked out the window recalling soft hair sliding between his fingers and warm lips on his chest.

After a long quiet moment John turned his head slightly towards Martha, his eyes brimming with tears. “I want him back.” She leaned on his shoulder and tried to suppress her own tears. They’d had so much heartbreak and they’d dealt with so much loss together, she and John. Any pain John felt, she felt as well and vice versa. “I know,” she whispered. “Reach out to him. Maybe he feels the same way.” 

John cleared his throat and wiped his hands down his face. “And if he doesn’t? Then I’ve lost him again and I know I can’t do that again Martha.” He turned to look at her and she sat up to meet his eye. “You don’t know him like I do. He means everything to me.”

They did one more shot, for Alex and his happiness and she kissed his cheek goodnight, taking the tray with her. He thanked her and locked his door behind her, ignoring Henry for the night.


	2. Harry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After coming home to Charleston after his breakup with Alex, John spends a little time catching up with his only surviving brother.

John let out a breath as he closed the door to his fathers home office and leaned against the wall briefly while he tried to calm down. His father always managed to get a rise out of him and he hated that it worked every time. He heard his fathers muffled voice from behind the door, already making a business call though it was Saturday. 

In search of a place to escape for a few minutes, he found himself in the media room, which contained a large theatre screen, fridge, popcorn machine and several gaming systems that he had never used. The light was already on and he was surprised to find his younger brother, Henry Jr. in the room. Known as Harry to the immediate family, Harry was born when John was 8 and while they were close, their social circles never touched. As such, John hadn’t spent as much time with Harry as he now wished he had. Harry was now thirteen now, John twenty-one.

Harry was unaware that John had entered the room, engrossed in some video game John vaguely recognized from a commercial. Harry had on headphones and was shouting at the screen which amused John. He watched him play for a few minutes before cautiously stepping further in and sitting next to Harry, startling him. 

“Ah!” Harry screamed, ripping his headphones off his head and shielding himself with one arm. John laughed and playfully shoved him on the sofa next to him. “Ahhh? You sound pretty tough shooting innocent people on the street, but I walk in the room and you scream?”

“I didn’t know you were there, Lurch.” Harry snipped back making John laugh again. “What do you want?”, clearly annoyed that his game had been interrupted. John shrugged and crossed his arms, leaning back against the couch. “I was just looking for a quiet place to hang. I just came from dads office.” Harry rolled his eyes and leaned back beside John, a sympathetic smile on his face. “That sucks. 

“I’m used to it.”

“I’m not,” Harry mumbled. John glanced to the side and noticed Harry’s shoulders slump slightly. “Oh? Does he give you a hard time?”

It was Harry’s turn to shrug. He sighed and tucked a leg up under his knee, turning his head to face John. “He expects a lot from me. Like, he forgets I’m thirteen and I don’t actually need to know what schools I’m going to apply to right now. Like I have a choice.” he added in a lower register. John let out a long sigh and wiped his hand down his face. “Fuck,” he breathed out. “You and I know that it’s not fair for him to put pressure on you like that, but we also both know that he’s going to. It’s just his nature, and in his own messed up way, it’s his way of loving us.”

Harry snorted and John chuckled back at him. “So what did he want to talk to you about?” Harry asked. John leaned his head back and scratched his right knee. “Alex, moving back here, my trust fund, school, Francis…” he listed off, ticking each one off with a finger. “Francis?” he asked surprised. 

Francis was Henry’s protege at work but before that, he was John’s sometimes boyfriend. It was a rocky relationship from the start and when John ended it for good before he transferred to Columbia he was glad to be done with him. John quirked an amused eyebrow at Harry. “Would you believe he was talking Francis up to me? Like he wants us together now. He kept telling me how compatible we are and that we understand each other in ways Alex couldn’t understand me or us or whatever he imagines, I don’t even know.” Harry was quiet, listening and there was silence between them for a long moment when John finished. “I’m sorry about Alex,” he told John in a soft voice. “I like him. He stands up to dad,” he laughed, recalling an argument that had taken place over Christmas when Henry had run a background check on Alex. “Francis is stuck up.” John laughed in agreement. “He is stuck up. And boring and he lacks character which is something you’d think dad would notice, but he’s blind when people have money.”

“Maybe you and Alex will get back together?” 

“Unlikely,” he told him and looked around at the room he rarely entered. “I’m surprised to hear you say you like Alex. You barely said two words when we visited at Christmas.” Harry shrugged again and picked up his phone to read a text that had come in. “I like to keep a low profile.” John let out a dark laugh and ruffled Harry’s hair, pulling his hand back with a scowl on his face. “Shit that’s a lot of product Harry!” Harry leaned away from John offended. “How should I know?”, he exclaimed. John tilted his head from side to side examining his head of sandy blond hair. “Find me when you’ve showered that shit out and I’ll show you how to do it right. I’ll take you to a proper barber too while I’m here and see if we can get you looking a little more Zac Efron in 17 Again, and a lot less Justin Bieber last week. 

Harry laughed as John stood up. “Thank you. Can you help me pick out some clothes too? There’s a party coming up at Ashleigh’s house and I’m going but I don’t want to look like a douche.” John sighed, noting the soccer pants and worn out Minecraft t-shirt Harry now wore. “Yeah, but let’s go shopping instead. It’s time you graduated from Old Navy and GAP.” He spun on his heel and waved behind him. “Call me if you ever need me, Harry, love you.”

“I, yeah…love you…too,” Harry stuttered out. John smiled and went to find his sisters.


End file.
